Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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