well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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