They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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