I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
