In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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