i just wanna soil my oats bro
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
