plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
