Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
