I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize