evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
