My hand turned me down
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
