Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
