my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
