The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
