my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
