So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize