One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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