you traded sex for a burrito?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
