dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
the raccoons are back...
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