Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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