The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
