Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
