have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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