You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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