maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
