??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
