He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
