Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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