so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
