What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
