Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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