I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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