you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
