Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
