Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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