I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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