hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
