You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
