You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
