Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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