she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
