Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Blood and glitter go together right?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
