Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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