When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
