I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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