im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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