Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
