Can Purell be used as lube?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
