why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
