I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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