somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
