Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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