the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
