a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I think I sprained my soul last night
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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