Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
