i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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