Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
