I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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